North Korea, what are you doing? An open letter to Kim Jong Un.

North Korea, what are you doing? An open letter to Kim Jong Un.

Posted on April 23rd, 2012 in Blog

To:  Respected Comrade Kim Jong-Un, Supreme Commander of the Korean People’s Army, First Chairman of the National Defense Commission of North Korea, Supreme Leader, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea

Dear Supreme Commander of North Korea’s so-called military:

Just dropping you a quick line because we are a little worried about you.  It has been a tough run lately. We know you are still mourning the loss of your father and your recent rocket  didn’t fly so well.  But in the immortal words of one of America’s favorite newscasters, what are you doing?  I know you are new to the role of dictator, but I’ve got to tell you that you clearly do not perceive the United States accurately, and that’s not good for your long-term health.  Through the fog of your country’s impressive propaganda machine you have failed to understand what the United States is all about.  So let us help you understand the United States.

First, aside from giving Saddam Hussein a long-overdue life time achievement award delivered by the barrel of a gun, we really usually don’t invade countries without direct provocation.  If a dictator is on his way out, well, we might help nudge him towards the exit (i.e., Col. Gaddafi, though of course he was a state sponsor of terrorism in the 80s, and we are still touchy about terrorism).  You are the new guy, and you personally haven’t earned enough hate-points over here for us to do anything. 

Secondly, and seriously, we sort of don’t care about you, so just don’t provoke us.  Threatening to reduce Seoul to ash in three to four minutes is rather provocative.  And what did we just say about being provocative?  Yes, we are ardently pro-free-market, but you don’t have much to offer so we certainly don’t care enough that we’d invade you over your “juche” efforts for self-reliance.  So you should have fun in the sun in your backwards autarky, go easy on the nuke testing and exporting, and just keep it quiet over there.

But lately you’ve been cruising for a bruising.  When our country’s finest news source, the Onion, notes how eager the United States’ military would be to wreck any conventional army, maybe you should just recognize it as satire and cool your jets a bit.  Do you think that our efforts to make our bloated budgets a bit more efficient would limit our military response to a war on the Korean Peninsula?  That would be a dangerously false assumption.  We would love to go up against your rusty Soviet hand-me-downs.  As SecDef Panetta noted, we are prepared for any contingency, so please, don’t push it.  Go enjoy some of your very unique basketball, keep a lower profile, and you’ll be just fine.  You really don’t want to mess with us, especially in an election year, ok?

Very Respectfully,

The Defense Industrial Congressional Political Action Committee for the Use of Force only if Reasonable, Somewhat or Potentially Necessary (or DICPACUFRSPN, for short)